TAC Reviews...Embrace of the Vampire

Date Posted: 18/06/15

Made in 1995 and starring Alyssa Milano and Martin Kemp. Embrace of the Vampire is a story about a vampire that about to fall into an eternal sleep and the only thing that can save him is if he finds the soul of his lost love. Unfortunately, when he finds her, he also learns that she is already in love with another man, and he must end that relationship before he falls asleep forever.

Now I think I have been on this planet and wearing the skin sack of a human male for long enough to have some idea about how a Earth man’s mind works. Whenever an attractive woman walks past, he turns around to check out her ass, he will nod to other men so they too can look at an attractive woman, and of course there are numerous shows in which beautiful women take centre stage. Take a show called Charmed, the premise was that three witches in modern say San Francisco fought evil whilst trying to have somewhat normal lives. To be fair it was quite a decent show, the characters were interesting, the enemies were varied and the three leads were really attractive. Now whilst the show was entertaining I don’t think there were any men watching the show that didn’t wonder if the three female leads had ever done any nudity, because whilst seeing a strong female character is fine, you also want to see them get the kit off too. To answer that question is yes, all of them have done something which involved them getting at least topless during their respective careers.

I don’t know exactly why some actresses decide to get naked on film. I think that sometimes it is necessary to the story and as I mentioned in my 50 Shades of Grey review that I have no problem with nudity as long as it serves a purpose. Linda Hamilton in The Terminator, Margot Robbie in The Wolf of Wall Street, or Denise Richards in Wild Things to name but a few, are all examples of this point.

However, there is another reason that a woman decides to disrobe on film, take Meg Ryan, she had made a successful career being the “girl next door” and had successes with films like Sleepless in Seattle, and French Kiss. But then decided that she wanted to shed this image so made In the Cut in which she got naked a lot and simulated various sex acts. That film was really bad and since then she has been desperately trying to claw back that “girl next door” image that made her successful in the first place. So getting naked on film doesn’t necessarily mean that an actress’ career is going to get a boost just because she takes her clothes off.

Back in 1995, Alyssa Milano (who played Phoebe, the slightly slutty witch, in Charmed) decided that she needed a breakout role and so made Embrace of the Vampire in which she takes her clothes off…a lot…so this review is going out to all those guys who watched Charmed and wanted to know what those impressive boobs of hers look like…

So…[…weary sigh…]…Embrace of the Vampire…then…

A young heartbroken man (Martin Kemp) is turned into a vampire by three nymphs and informs the audience through a diary entry that he has only a few short days before he will fall into an eternal sleep for...well, eternity unless he can find his true love…[…yawn, sorry Embrace of the Vampire you aren’t boring me I was just up late…]

Centuries later he discovers the soul of his lost love is within a 17-year old college freshman named Charlotte (Alyssa Milano). With only three days left before he sleeps, he has to possess the young virgin’s soul and in order to do this she must give herself willingly to him. Unfortunately for the vampire, she is in love with someone already, a guy named Chris (Harrison Pruett), and so the vampire must sow the seeds of doubt between them so he can move in on her without interference.

The vampire needs Charlotte to be pure but during the film both men and woman try to get her into bed, and she starts having sex dreams about the vampire. She is almost seduced by a female photographer and she tries to decide if her boyfriend is the ‘one’. The vampire grows weaker as he tried to split up Charlotte and Chris whilst trying to get her to fall for him.

I am now going to do you a favour…

This is Alyssa Milano naked taken from the first few minutes of Embrace of the Vampire and now you don’t need to see this film…you’re welcome…

If you are still reading and have not immediately copy-pasted that image onto your own computer to do with it what you will, then I guess you are expecting me to talk about the film, so okay, I’ll talk about it.

So Alyssa Milano plays a virgin who seems to shed her clothes at the drop of a hat. I don’t know of any virgins who are so happy to shed their clothes so easily, people just seem to cough near her and she is naked. She certainly has an amazing body but as she is playing a virgin should she be naked so often, or is she just being a prick tease?? Plus, it also seems that everyone is trying to get her into bed, with her boyfriend that is not surprising, after all romantic relationships develop to the point where the couple have sex. I understand that this can take some time because from what I understand the secret that women don’t want men to know is that they enjoy sex as much as men, but of course they don’t like to be tricked into it, used for it, or cast aside after it. So, yes it can take time for a woman to be comfortable enough with a guy to be naked around them and have sex with them. So Charlotte making her boyfriend wait is understandable, however, there is also a female photographer who tries it on, and not surprisingly Milano is quickly topless at which point she starts to question whether to give herself to her boyfriend.

Seeing Alyssa Milano naked is the only reason to watch this film because there is nothing else that makes Embrace of the Vampire worth a watch.

The vampire it not even remotely cool during the entire film, and if he ever encountered Blade, the daywalker probably wouldn’t waste a bullet on him. There is nothing interesting or unique about him, he doesn’t seem especially powerful and finding his long lost love will prevent him from falling into an eternal slumber…[...how the fuck does that work exactly??...] Plus I’m not sure we ever actually see him feeding on anyone. There is a scene when the vampire smashes a guy to death against a wooden door, and then proceeds to lick the man’s blood from the wood instead of simply crouching down to take the blood directly from his throat. Still, it is not often that an audience will get to the see the forbidden love of a vampire and his door.

In addition the vampire knows that he is about to fall into an eternal sleep within three days, so it begs the question of who told him?? Was a memo set round just to remind him that if he hadn’t found his true love he was going to fall into an eternal slumber?? Do all vampires ultimately succumb to this kind of sleep unless they can find their lost love?? What if they have already found their lost love do they still fall asleep?? What if they have never been in love?? Why does finding a long lost love prevent them from falling into an eternal slumber?? What if you have a vampire that is using immortality to sleep around and be a player, seducing women, having sex with them, killing them and then moving on to the next victim, do they also need to find their true love??

How does this make any sense??

I just do not get the lore of this film, and as a fan of the vampire genre I can generally find at least something interesting or unique in a vampire film even if the film itself is a pile of utter horse shit. A film called Club Vampyre had the idea that a vampire would build up a resistance to sunlight after centuries and this is an interesting idea...but Embrace of the Vampire does not give the saturated vampire genre anything new or even remotely original.

The only reason that this film has received any recognition is because Alyssa Milano’s beautiful body is on display. Unfortunately, there is literally nothing else that makes this worth a watch. The vampire is pathetic and is yet another brooding immortal struggling to find his long lost love…[...yawn…yes Embrace of the Vampire…now you are boring me…] Why doesn’t someone just tell these kinds of vampires to just get over it already? If their love is gone, then they are gone. Accept it and move on. Don’t waste immortality roaming the world moaning whilst wallowing in self-pity when couldn't you be doing something interesting with your eternal youth and immortality??

I think Alyssa Milano has an amazing body, well amazing for a human, and should she ever read this review…hey it could happen…I don’t want her to think that my thumb rating is a reflection of what I think of her body because it is not. It is for this tripe that she chose to be a part of, Alyssa next time just do a Playboy shoot or star in something that isn’t, well, shit. I have to give this film a rating and it is getting a Thumbs Down, don’t watch it, because it is really, really bad.

3/10 – Alyssa Milano’s firm naked body, that is the only reason to watch this film but a film cannot be based on nudity alone. If one tries to be then the result is a bored audience who would be wishing they had just stayed home and simply watched porn instead.

Oh yes…remember I said that the main leads of Charmed have all gone at least topless at some point??

As a special treat…here are some screen shots of films in which the stars of Charmed are topless…enjoy Earth men…enjoy…  

Shannen Doherty (who played Prue) in Blindfold: Acts of Obsession

Holly Marie Combs (who played Piper) in A Reason to Believe

You've seen Alyssa Milano so finally we have Rose McGown (who played Paige) in The Doom Generation.

Thank you for these films ladies in which you shed your clothes and now anyone who has read this review and watched Charmed will not have to imagine what you all look like topless.

For these acts of nudity, despite the films you do them in being rubbish, I, The Alien Critic, reward you with a Thumbs Up