The Alien Critic Reviews...
The Alien CriticReviews...

TAC Reviews...Twilight

Date Posted: 16/10/14


Book first published in 2005 that has been adapted into a film series starring Cedrick Diggory aka Robert Pattinson as Edward and Kirsten Stewart as Bella


Twilight Book Cover


Okay, first review of my new TAC Reviews…webpage so let's alienate everyone who likes Twilight right off the bat.


For those of you fortunate enough not to know about Twilight allow me to break it down for you. A girl, Bella, moves to a new town to a new school, is nervous about making friends, not fitting in and so on, then meets a brooding guy that she is instantly attracted to. Sounds like same old same old so far right? - but wait there is more. The guy, Edward, seems to have an instant dislike of her, and whilst she can't figure out why, she is drawn to him and him to her, until his dark (and I am using the term loosely) secret is revealed - it turns out he is a vampire, dun dun dahhh.


Now unlike the good kind of vampire that will bite your neck and drink your blood as soon as look at you (such as in Blade) or one that will seduce you into darkness and evil (such as Interview with a Vampire) Twilight's main family of vampires not only don't kill people, they also light up in the sunlight and I don't mean burst into flames


Let me make this clear right now - Vampires DO NOT glow in the sunlight - FACT!!!


The immortal undead are creatures of the night shrouded in mystery and folklore, they do not double up as a cheap alternative to a disco ball if you shine a ultra violet light on them.


If you are thinking that the story (such as it is) sounds familiar – a school girl falls in love with a brooding vampire - then you have probably seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer at some point because Twilight rips off Buffy and Angel about as frequently as a proper vampire would drink blood. The main difference is that Twilight rips off everything apart from the good stuff, at least Buffy got to kick some ass every week, but nothing as fun happens in Twilight.


There is something of a build up to a confrontation between two vampires, Edward and James, an evil vampire who wants to kill Bella (good for him – he could have done us all a favour and saved us from the rest of the pitiful Twilight Saga) and Edward who wants to protect her. So, the stage is set for a massive fight, and to be honest if there had been a bone shattering confrontation between the two I would have forgiven all the rubbish that the previous 200-odd pages had forced me to endure but no – just as the fight begins Bella dozes off, probably due to boredom, and wakes up with the fight already over.


What a complete and utter COP OUT. Bella complaining about why Edward doesn't like her, that we get in spades, a bit of action to make all the tedium that has come before worth it, that we don't get to see


All in all, Twilight is a shambles, it is a shameless rip off of Buffy and was clearly a desperate cry for attention from the author. It also begs the question of why Edward doesn't allow Bella to turn at the end, she has been bitten and will turn into a vampire. If Edward loves her so much why doesn't he want to be with her forever – which for a vampire is literally forever?? Clearly he can see that putting up with her for eternity would be a greater hell than being sent to the fires of damnation, and if he thinks that, then why would anyone want to read about her continuing “adventures” in the additional books and watch the films??


Basically the final verdict is this, if you want to watch a story of forbidden love, heartbreak, and betrayal between a schoolgirl and a vampire, watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer Seasons 1-3, if you want the same level of pain you get from cutting yourself but ironically you aren't keen on blood then watch Twilight


So is my final verdict a Thumbs Up or a Thumbs Down?? Well obviously I give this drivel the Thumbs Down.



1/10 – DON’T READ THE BOOK AND DON’T WATCH THE FILM!!! Trust me it is not worth the time of your life, I have sacrificed that time and suffered so that you don't have to.


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© Chris Sharman