The Alien Critic Reviews...
The Alien CriticReviews...

TAC Reviews...Prometheus


Prometheus is a science-fiction film released in 2012, directed by Ridley Scott, and starring Michael Fassbender and Noomi Rapace


Prometheus Film Poster


Oh how I loath it when the anticipation of a film surpasses the actual film itself, there was so much build up to this film, I too allowed myself to hope. I wanted this film to be good, I wanted Ridley Scott, the man behind the original Alien film to return and give us something amazing. Something that would wipe away the bad taste in our mouths left behind by Alien3 and Alien Resurrection...what we got was yet more shit...


Why is it so hard  for you humans to do Aliens justice in this day and age when it was possible in the late 70s and early 80s...?


For those of you not in the know, and oh how I envy you, Prometheus follows a group of scientists who find cave paintings in a bunch of ancient civilisations that are all pointing to a group of planets, and they think it must be a map to their home world and they need to go and find them. Now, first problem with this, can you imagine trying to pitch this idea to anyone wealthy enough to build you a space ship? “We want to go find aliens because cave paintings told us to”. Personally I would have them thrown out of my office, and possibly beaten, but no, the corporation’s director decides this is a well thought out idea, builds them a space ship and off they go.


Upon arrival at the planet they discover some ruined buildings and one of the scientists gets depressed because all the aliens are apparently dead, spoiler alert. Second problem, the cave paintings are from civilisations thousands of years old, did it not cross the mind of any of these scientists that the aliens may have died out after all that time. What did they think the aliens had been doing for 50 thousand years? Sitting around watching the television? Playing eye spy? What??? I may have been on hold for thirty years which may make you think that I have the patience of a saint but even I wouldn't sit around for fifty thousand years waiting for someone to figure out a few cave paintings I probably made when drunk...anyway...


As this band of hapless morons venture deeper into the ruins they discover strange egg like objects, ah the eggs seen in Alien you ask, no, not like the eggs seen in Alien. Eggs filled with a black tar like substance, now whilst some of the idiots choose to stick around, two decide to head back to their ship. Third problem, one of the blokes that leaves is the guy who’s equipment was mapping the ruins and he gets the two lost, yes, lost. The guy who is mapping the ruins gets lost, begs the question of how good his equipment is doesn’t it, if he can’t even use it properly. They get turned around and ultimately get left behind in the ruins when the rest of the team return to their ship. They find themselves back in the egg chamber, and I kid you not a large creature rises up from the tar, a creature that, there is no other way of describing it, looks like a huge penis. Now, I for one would not approach a huge throbbing penis like creature sticking out of black tar, but does that thought rattle through the brain of this hapless cretin? Nope. He walks over to it and attempts to pet it, and to make matters worse as he approaches it, it opens out to take on a cobra like appearance, and still he tries to stroke it. Seriously did these scientists actually request to go to this planet or did the rest of the scientific community think telling them they are total dumb assess and giving them a slap was just too cruel so let them go on their merry delusional way???


Fourth problem, being a kind-of prequel to Alien there are several references to the Alien franchise but they make no sense. Carvings on the wall of the ruins suggest the Xenomorph aliens we are familiar with already exist and yet the film’s climax seems to indicate that they were created due to the events that transpired after the team arrives.


Fifth problem…you know what I am not going to continue listing them because there are too many...and I am getting bored of listing them. It is not fun and just shows how bad this film actually is because there is little to nothing that is good about it.


On that point though I must say that Michael Fassbender is amazing as the android David, he is very creepy, and superbly acted. He is probably the only thing that makes me want to see this film again because his performance is truly great.


Now I am aware that others have different opinions to me and whilst I don’t object to a different opinion to mine as long as that opinion can be challenged over a few pints and results in a grown-up discussion that doesn’t resort to childish name calling. Anyone who actually liked this kind-of prequel to the Alien film is wrong, you are entitled to your opinion, but your opinion is WRONG.


As you have undoubtably guessed my final verdict is a resounding Thumbs Down, there are some interesting ideas but none of them are developed and on the whole this film just seems like a complete waste of time.



3/10 – Ridley Scott shame on you for inflicting this film upon us


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© Chris Sharman